


The French Call Them Escargots

by marguerite_26



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Medical Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-14
Updated: 2012-03-14
Packaged: 2017-11-01 22:50:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marguerite_26/pseuds/marguerite_26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin dressed and bathed him regularly, but Arthur had never felt quite so <i>naked</i> before. He stared at the ceiling, trying to remember why he had agreed to this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The French Call Them Escargots

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [](http://melusinahp.livejournal.com/profile)[**melusinahp**](http://melusinahp.livejournal.com/) and [](http://ella-bane.livejournal.com/profile)[**ella_bane**](http://ella-bane.livejournal.com/) for the excellent beta advice.
> 
> additional warnings: very minor bestiality, Inspired by [ Picture Prompt #12. ](http://pics.livejournal.com/bryoneybrynn/pic/000a74e1) (NWS) 
> 
> originally posted April 3, 2010.

"You can't be serious." Arthur felt the cold air of his chambers hit his bare arse and belatedly remembered the open window. He should tell Merlin to close it, but was too anxious to get this over with. Merlin dressed and bathed him regularly, but he'd never felt quite so _naked_ before. He stared at the ceiling, trying to remember why he had agreed to this. "And Gaius told you this?"

"Seventh time you've asked." Merlin huffed and began to set up, humming to himself off-key.

"Still. _Gaius_?"

"He _is_ the court medic. He's supposed to know these things."

There was something in the way Merlin wasn't quite meeting his eyes that set Arthur on edge. "Yes, but why would he tell _you_ , Merlin."

"Remember when Lancelot was here?"

"Oh my God! He caught you and Lancelot-" Arthur didn't want to be having this conversation with his breeches around his ankles but there didn't seem to be any dignified way to pull them up at this point. Though, to be honest, his dignity had pretty much flown out the window the minute Merlin opened his mouth and Arthur unintentionally _listened_.

"What? No!" Merlin made that 'and you think I'm the one that's mentally deficient?' face. "He didn't _catch_ us! It's just that Lancelot was living in my quarters and you know how small that is."

"Oh. So he heard you then? Merlin, there is such a thing as discretion. Even in a moment of passion."

Merlin looked up from where he knelt in front of Arthur and raised his eyebrows. Arthur's cheeks heated and he reached for his breeches. Merlin guffawed - _the idiot_ \- and stilled Arthur's hand. "We weren't caught or heard. Lancelot's precious virtue is safe from me. But Gaius _assumed_ and the conversation that followed breakfast that first morning…"

Merlin shuddered and Arthur couldn't stop the throaty laugh that rolled out of him. He threw back his head and let it echo through his chambers.

"Prat. You would take pleasure in my pain." Merlin stuck his hand in the bucket at Arthur's feet and felt around. A splash of cold water hit his bare feet. "Anyway, he said this was believed to be _an excellent preventative measure against all sorts of venereal diseases._ "

"I do not have a venereal disease and I am _not_ going to get one."

Merlin's wide, bright eyes were full of mirth that Arthur had once, a long time ago, mistaken for innocence, and said, "Well, not now you won't." And, without a word of warning, he placed the biggest, ugliest snail Arthur had ever seen on the tip of Arthur's penis.

Arthur grit his teeth to keep in the unmanly squeal that threatened to escape. The creature was _frigid_ and _slimy_ and on his cock. He was going to murder Merlin.

Merlin stared, brow furrowed, his hands out to catch the thing should it fall. The snail did look overly large on the slight arch of the soft cock. A lesser man might feel _uncomfortable_ with the comparison.

"How long does it have to stay on there?" Arthur managed to say in a reasonably even tone and tried not to fidget. But Merlin leaned forward to look at the thing, so close that Arthur could feel the heat of his breath. It was wrong, wrong, so very wrong. Arthur's cheeks _burned_ as his cock twitched and thickened under Merlin's watchful eye.

"Gaius said the snail was supposed to move from the tip to the base." Merlin looked up and scrunched his nose. "Do you think it's moving?" Merlin edged closer, squinting at the mollusc, and Arthur wanted to scream.

Arthur wondered again how had Merlin maneuvered him into this situation. Something about looking a little too long at a chamber maid, who was apparently popular with his knights, and Merlin had jumped to a false conclusion. Somehow he now had a not-moving-maybe-it's-dead _snail_ on his penis.

Then it moved. And Arthur said something like "Nnnnarrrghhhh."

The thing clenched at the tender skin beneath it, and squeezed it together, then released, moving ever so slightly forward and leaving behind a slick, cold residue. It was the most disgusting, perverse thing Arthur could possibly imagine. And yet. A shiver ran down his spine that was half mortification and half _pleasure_.

His fists clenched and he bit back a moan. He was going to _kill_ Merlin for this, by some method that was long and slow and violent.

The snail inched further and Arthur's cock fattened and lengthened. A sweat broke out on his brow and the base of his spine. He felt the dampness gather and trickle downward and pool at the crack of his arse. The stupid snail was only half through its journey – which cursedly kept getting longer – and Merlin was still kneeling and watching _oh so closely_. Lord, if he got any closer, and Arthur got any harder, he'd smack Merlin's cheek with the tip of cock.

"Pretty slow going, is it?" Merlin said, voice flippant, like he was watching paint dry. "Maybe we should hurry it along."

Arthur's lust-fogged brain couldn't possibly fathom what Merlin meant. It was possible he nodded, or grunted, or whimpered, because he was harder than he'd ever been in his life and nothing, _nothing_ \- certainly not some maid that he hadn't even been seriously thinking of bedding – was worth this torture. His kingdom to make this stop.

That was when Merlin leaned forward, lips forming a tight pretty circle, cheeks sunken into deep concaves, and blew a long cool breath onto the snail.

Arthur had just enough time to think _Merlin, you idiot_ when his balls tightened and his orgasm ripped out of him. He clutched the bed post to keep from falling as his cock spurted. Merlin had to duck out of the way in a blur of movement. A drop still managed to land on his idiotic neckerchief. Nothing happened for a moment as Arthur sucked in a couple of deep breaths, his body still spasming in aftershocks.

Merlin blinked up at him, eyes wide. Then a grin broke across his face. " _That_ was brilliant!" he laughed.

The churning warmth of pleasure and shame in Arthur's belly twisted into something else. He pressed his eyes closed and called himself a fool. "Gaius never told you to do this did he?"

Merlin's snickers rang in Arthur's ears. "No."

"No." Arthur repeated, shaking his head, involuntarily smirking at his own gullibility. He could tell, even with his eyes closed, that Merlin was beaming at him, face aglow with mirth.

"Back in Ealdor there was this story about a boy who would –"

Arthur held up his hand to cut off the rest of whatever perverted country boys liked to tell each other over campfires. "You know I'm going to kill you for this. Slowly."

"Yeah," Merlin said, breathless between chuckles. "But it was completely worth it."

~fin  


**Author's Note:**

> [original post on livejournal](http://marguerite-26.livejournal.com/375139.html)


End file.
